Tag Archives: confession

Shocked Back to Reality (Get Real)

OK, here’s the deal. I stepped on the scale this morning, and received a huge shock. I have been living in denial…again. My weight has crept back up to an alarming number. I have been making some really lousy choices, and they have caught up with me. I love watching “The Real,” a talk show on the Fox network with a diverse group of young women. They hold each other accountable for “getting and being REAL” everyday.  I am going to GET REAL and hold myself accountable for every bite I take and for every step that I physically take.  I won’t do it to beat myself up; but to consciously make better decisions. I felt so good when I dropped some weight and was eating well and moving more; and I will strive for that again.

I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for today. Just a routine check-up to get my high blood pressure meds renewed. I called this morning to double check on the time, and they have no record of an appointment for me.  Now I remember very well calling and making an appointment, but my doctor’s office recently moved. I’m just gonna chalk up the mix-up to their move. So I rescheduled. You see, I am prediabetic, so I always have my blood sugar checked when I go in. I have to make these lifestyle changes before I am a full blown diabetic on meds. For now it is controlled with diet and exercise. (How long is that gonna last, if I keep making bad choices?)  So…here I go again.

  1. No more sugar (I am a full blown sugar addict currently out of control) Help me, Jesus! And he will!
  2. Keep my portion sizes down (Aim to quit before I’m stuffed…eat to live, not live to eat)
  3. Lots and lots of veggies (Aim to eat veggies throughout the day, not just at dinner)
  4. Water and more water (Less coffee and more water)
  5. Walking a bit everyday (Even if it’s just back and forth in my porch, or around my house in the AC on high ozone days when my asthma kicks in)

I must admit, Dear Readers, that I am feeling a bit discouraged, but not defeated. As long as I keep do-ing, (To quote Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no try.”), I am not defeated. All prayers and words of encouragement are welcome.

Let me know what’s up in your life. Really, I want to know.  Blessings on you!

Donna

Sugar Funk

Day 376 in my realizations on the way to meeting Mickey

Well, dear friends, today I have been in a funk for no apparent reason.

  1. The weather was a cool 65 to 74 degrees, and that’s my kind of weather.  Perfect.
  2. I had a busy and successful day at work, accomplishing all that I hoped to.
  3. Mike’s sister came into town , and I always enjoy visiting with her.

So here’s what I think.  I think that sugar has crept back into my diet, slowly and insidiously.  I haven’t been as careful about reading labels and tracking down nutritional information on my food choices. And most telling I been craving sugar again something fierce.

That’s got to be it now.  I am back on it, and I will be tenacious in my food choices.  Back to label reading, back to cooking more and ordering in less, and less eating out.

Hopefully in the next week this sugar-funk will lift and I can get back to enjoying this journey.  I’ll keep you posted.

Meet you at the Kingdom!

Confession Time

Day 245 in my muddling my way to Mickey

My plan today was to step on the scale to get an idea of what’s up.  So I did the deed this morning and was shocked to see that I have gained a few pounds.  Not surprised, but still shocked to actually see the number.  They say that relapse is a part of recovery.  Alcoholics often drink on their way to recovery.  Drug users use.  Smokers smoke.  (My own son told me he had to quit smoking four times before it really worked.)  And, apparently, eaters eat.

In my cancer pity-party, I let my guard down and made some bad choices.  And for every bad choice I made, I felt ill…actually physically ill.  I find I am tired, just plain weary, when I don’t eat well.  So back to plenty of fresh veggies, lean proteins, complex carbs, and lots of water.

I am sugar-free, so at least I have that going for me.  🙂  It is my BIGGEST addiction.

Meet you at the Kingdom!

Shining Light into the Darkness

Day 191 in my seeking to be a healthier me when I meet Mickey (7 months and 28 days to go)

As an obese overeater, I have learned some very self-destructive behaviors.  I learned early on to isolate myself, so that I could hide my poor eating habits.  Alone, I could binge on my sugary treats to my heart’s content.  Only my heart was never content, and I was always filled with self-loathing after I binged.

Now looking back I can see how strange that must sound.  When your drug of choice is food (sugar and salty carbs in particular), it should be pretty obvious that you are going to gain weight and people who see you will pretty much be aware of your drug of choice.  But at the time I felt I had to hide my poor eating habits from the public at large.  (Excuse the pun.)

So part of my strategy, to break out of old patterns, is to become more sociable, to bring what I have hidden in darkness, out into the light.  It’s a terrifying process, but it is a healthy process.

So today I got up and went to church.  I worshipped the God that loves me and sees the beauty in me that I cannot truly yet see myself, and I visited with some other church family members.  It was wonderful to share and to listen to these dear ladies share with me.  There was First Communion today, and 12 fourth and fifth graders took their First Communion with their families.  Beautiful!  They used chalices that they had painted themselves and shared their cup with their family.  (My favorite chalice was the one with the Cubs symbol on one side and a cross on the other side. LOL)  BTW: I passed up the amazing looking cake that was there to celebrate with the kids today.  Victory!

Then rather than going home and holing up for the rest of the day, I went and visited with my dear sister-friend, Joan.  She is a bit homebound because of health issues and winter-itis.  I had a wonderful, long visit Jo.  We chatted about everything.  She is my barefoot friend.  The kind of friend that you can share anything with.  Nothing is off limits.  We’ve been through Curves together.  We’ve been to Overeaters Anonymous together.  We have seen so much together.  She has seen me at my best and at my worst, and she loves me just the same.  She is a living, breathing example of the love of God in my life.  I came home feeling very blessed.

That’s it for today, dear readers.  I pray that all is well with you and yours, and that you are able to spend time with the living God who loves you today.  Meet you at the Kingdom!

Same Ol’, Same Ol’

Day 160 in my rambling on as I wait to meet Mickey

True confession time: it’s one of those days when I am seriously UNinspired.  I’m not blue or struggling or giving up.  I just can’t seem to give a rip today.  So my plan is to stay sugar-free, eat healthy, balanced meals and move around as much as possible.

See, I told you, nothing new and exciting today.  Just the same ol’, same ol’.

So I’ll share a memory with you.  It’s one that comes back to me often, so it had a profound impact on me at the time.  Our family was visiting some family friends at their camp.  I was about 10 years old at the time.  I was swimming with their daughters and having a wonderful time in the river.  When we came up to eat lunch, I overheard someone say to my mom, “Donna has quite a little figure developing.  You’re going to have to keep a close eye on her.  She’ll be getting all sorts of the wrong type of attention.”  Now at 10 years old I had no idea what “the wrong type of attention” was, but it didn’t sound good, so I made sure to wrap a towel around myself to cover up.  Was I doomed?  Was there no way to avoid this “wrong type of attention”?

Well, I don’t know, but I do know that I sabotaged that figure before the “wrong type of attention” could kick in.  🙂  It’s so strange to think about how powerful words can be, hey?

Meet you at the Kingdom!

The Choices We Make

Day 120 in my journey to better choices until (and after) I meet up with Mickey at the Magic Kingdom

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Donna.  She loved the month of December.  Her birthday was in December.  Her brother’s birthday was in December.  New Year’s Eve was in December, and the holy of holies, Christmas was in December.  (And later her other brother and sister-in -law were married in December.)  At her house it was party, party, party all month long.  For the entire month there were amazing goodies in the house: chocolates, Christmas cookies, birthday cake, ice cream, nuts, flavored popcorn, Lifesavers books, candy canes, soda pop, homemade coffee cakes, etc…  It was a month of sugar highs and, of course, the crashes that followed those sugar highs.

The little girl grew to be not-so-little as she indulged in all the available goodies.  By the time she made it to Junior High, it was a real problem.

My plan for today is to spend time thinking about the choices that I have made in my life to gain the weight that I carry today.  And I will continue to seek new choices for a healthier lifestyle.  In past years I would have gained 2 to 5 pounds so far this holiday season.  With another 2 to 5 added by New Year’s Day.  I know I haven’t gained weight this year; I can feel it.  I don’t know if I have lost weight, but I’ll let you know on Thursday, my next payday-weigh  day.

Meet you at the Kingdom!

Going deeper: I was a little girl who developed very early.  My mom took me to JC Penney’s when I was in third grade to get my first bra.  (blush)  Even at that very young age, I would overhear people talking to my mom about how quickly I was developing.  I didn’t like it.  I really do believe that subconsciously I decided to pad myself to hide how quickly I was developing.  Hmmm..interesting.

Best Laid Plans…

Day 80 in my journey to join up with my favorite mouse, Mickey

Confession time again: I did not dance when I got home yesterday.  I barely walked when I got home yesterday.  It was a crap day!  Everything I touched turned to ashes.  It was a difficult day at work.  Then I preheated the oven last night to cook my brown rice and mushroom casserole.  When the casserole was ready for the oven, I slipped it inside and promptly turned my oven off.  Of course, I didn’t realize I had done this until about 45 minutes later when I went to give it a stir.  ARGH!  x#2@t*s!m=%!!!  (Think Charlie Brown swear-speak!)  So we had dinner an hour late last night.  I was in such a bad mood when I got home, that I stress ate my banana with almond butter and some Skinny Pop popcorn, then I sat and cursed the darkness.

I know what you’re thinking.  “If you had danced, it would have improved your mood and beaten back some of the stress.”  I know…I know, but I was too PO’d to do the right thing.  Does that ever happen to you?  The good news is I didn’t stress eat candy and chips.  That is progress.

Today’s plan is to try again.  I want to dance today.  So no excuses.  I’ve planned a quick and easy dinner (Salmon filets, a Starbuck’s brown rice salad, with a cup of Mexican bean soup).  I can dance with abandon, and shake what my momma gave me.  🙂

Meet you at the Kingdom!

 

 

My Demon: Sugar

Day 74 in my assignment to assimilate a better life-style to meet up with Mickey

I’ve been asked, “How did you completely go cold-turkey and give up sugar if you were such an addict?”  Well…that’s just it.  I haven’t completely given up sugar for the rest of my life.  The thought of never having sugar again for the rest of my life is daunting indeed!  It makes me feel deprived and more than a little sorry for myself.  So,  I’ve just given sugar up for today…and for yesterday…and I plan to give it up for the day that is tomorrow.

I have a date with sugar.  A one day date.  Not to go crazy and eat anything and everything in sight.  Believe me, I’ve been there and done that.  But on Halloween my morning treat is going to be a vente, decaf skim-milk pumpkin spice latte, no whip.  Starbuck’s speak for a sugary, delicious Halloweeny treat.  Then my evening treat will be a Halloweeny cupcake from Bent Fork Bakery.  Mikey will join me in this evening treat.  (It turns out he likes cupcakes.  “Something plain,” he said, when I asked him what kind.  If you know him at all…it figures.)  These treats will replace my usual treat of several bags of Halloween candy: candy corn, marshmallow pumpkins, chocolate bars, and whatever else caught my eye at Walgreens.  🙂

We will purposefully and completely savor our Halloween treats.  And then on November 1, I plan to go cold-turkey again.  You see, after 73 days of being sugar-free, I like what I see and feel and hear, and taste and even smell.  Things just seem clearer and brighter and more intense when I’m not living under the shroud of sugar.  Confession time:  My name is Donna, and I am a sugar addict.  (The appropriate response is, “Hello, Donna.”)

My plan for today is to share this truth with you.  Meet you at the Kingdom!

Eradicating Emotional Eating

Day 66 in my expedition to maneuver to Mickey

Confession time: I am an emotional eater.  The problem is that it doesn’t matter the emotion.  If I am happy or celebrating, then what better way to celebrate than with my “favorite” foods?  Cupcakes or donuts or cheesecake and Cheetos and Bridge Mix, etc, etc, etc…  Or then if I’m bummed out (depressed) or just plain sad or tired and nostalgic,  what better way to comfort myself than with my “favorite” foods?  Yup, you guessed it:  cupcakes or donuts or cheesecake and Cheetos and Bridge Mix, etc, etc, etc…

I have just lived through a two week incredible high which was filled with family, fabulous friends and a lot of food.  Praise God, and thank you, dear readers, for keeping me accountable.  I made really good choices most of the time.  I remained sugar-free, and (tun-ta-da-da!) I ate NO wedding cake.  That is the first time in my life that I went to a wedding and didn’t eat SEVERAL pieces of wedding cake.  Instead I danced with my family, and boy oh boy, was it ever fun!!

Now Emi (my sweet daughter) has gone home.  The house is very quiet, and I am craving sugar like mad!  So today’s plan is to fight the urge.  I won’t make any promises about tomorrow, but for today I refuse to eat my emotions.  Instead, I’m going to allow myself to feel my emotions…to live through my emotions.  And I am going to eat in a balanced, nutritious and sensible manner.

And just for fun, I’m going to put on a music dvd and dance for twenty minutes reliving some of the fun of Nathan and Jordan’s wedding reception.  (BTW:  They are the cutest ever!  And their love is so precious to see!)

Meet you at the Kingdom!

BTW2: “favorite” is in quotes above because my new favorite foods are those that actually give nourishment to my body.  I am SUCH a work in progress.  🙂

Payday One

Day 33 in my journey to rendezvous with Mickey at the Magic Kingdom

Well this is it, the first in a series of paydays.  One month ago today I weighed myself and vowed to wait a month to do so again.  Today was W-Day (weigh day).  My plan for today was to step on the scale and to see what, if anything is happening.  Don-don-don-da….  I got myself naked this morning and boldly stepped on the scale.  13.4 pounds down in one month.  Not a bad outcome from making better food choices and moving more, hey?

Now, as my brother Gene would say, “That’s like losing a lifeboat off of the Titanic.”  True, but that’s one less lifeboat that I have to drag around everyday.  Right?

So I’m finding myself in a celebratory mood today.  It’s good to be good.  Ummm… Confession time: the night before last I said to Mike, “I want something that is bad for me, and I want it right now!”  His reply, “Hmmm, I can’t think of anything in the house that would be bad for you that doesn’t have sugar in it.”   Oh yeah, people, he’s got my back.  An hour and a half later right before I went upstairs to bed, I said contritely, “Hon, I don’t really want something that’s bad for me.”  He laughed.  🙂

Thanks for hanging in there with me, dear readers.  Meet you at the Kingdom!