Day 15 as I dance toward Disney World.

True confessions day.  

I once attended a one day retreat at Chicago’s Botanic Garden.  At one point we were instructed to find a place of solitude, and work our way through a set of questions as we meditated.  One question resonated with me.  “What kind of a tree are you?”  Shades of Barbara Walter, right?  As I contemplated this question in quiet serenity surrounded by beautiful nature, the answer came to me.  I am an English Oak.  Not tall, like our American Oak trees, but sturdy, solid, capable of holding heavy burdens.  Strong, upright, with significant mass.  I cried a bit as I thought that this is what God has called me to be.  Solid, strong, able to share others burdens.  And it was an affirmation that God created me for purpose and that I have self-worth.  When we regrouped to discuss our responses to the questions, I shared my thoughts.  Around me everyone looked confused.  The question that I had read and reread and reread again, was NOT in the booklet.  A mini-miracle when God met me where I needed him.    

I do not and have not ever loved myself.  I don’t know why.  There is a deep seeded self-loathing, that God is only just revealing to me. I have no single traumatic event to attribute it to.  However, I believe this is why I have attempted to create this layer of protection on my body.  It has led to my isolating myself often, and this creates a false sense of safety and security.

So here’s the plan: I will go to church and pray for the Lord to teach me to love my self.  He tells us to love our neighbor as ourself, but if I don’t love myself, then how can I truly love my neighbor?  Scripture also tells us that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit.  I have been a deadbeat landlord of my temple.  Now I want to take better care of this body.

Kinda heavy today, but as I make this journey I pray to uncover the issues that have added to the problem.

Looking forward to partying at the Kingdom.  Meet you there.