Day 198 in my self-discoveries on the way to meeting up with Mickey (7 months 21 days to go!)
I came to a realization today. I AM ANGRY! Remember that line from Pretty Woman when Richard Gere says, “It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: “I was very angry him.” I do it very well, don’t I? I’ll say it again: I was very angry with him. “Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very angry with my father.“? That’s it in a nutshell for me. No therapy, but I am very angry with my father.
Now don’t get me wrong; I love my dad. Always have, always will. He was an alcoholic. BUT he went to work every day, he saw to it that our house was in order and maintained, he kept food on our table and clothes on our backs. But he would drink himself into a stupor on a regular basis. A beer, became a 6 pack, became a 12 pack. I would lay in bed praying that he wouldn’t pass out on the kitchen floor and hurt himself. I promised God so many things, if he would just not let my dad get hurt. (I broke all those promises eventually. Figures, right?) 🙂
Then later in life an inch of scotch became a juice glass of scotch, became a water glass of scotch. And then he was gone. And it broke our hearts to lose him, because we all knew he loved us. He would give anyone the shirt off his back, and then go home to get a spare to give them, too.
Why share this now? Because I learned how to make the anger go away. I ate it. If I ate myself into a sugar coma, then I didn’t give a damn about anything really, and if I I didn’t care about anything, then the anger was buried, too. There was a time when I blamed my dad for my weight. I don’t anymore. I ate the food; I am responsible for my choices. I did this to myself.
My dad? Forgiven long ago. My memories are of the good times now. The vacations to visit with relatives, (I love my brothers and their families, my cousins, aunts and uncles! I am blessed to have them in my life!) And my dad and mom always supported my ministry. Dad drove all over the UP to hear us sing. Later in life he would send me encouraging, uplifting Christian emails. (I suspect he forwarded them from SISU the clown. Thanks, Sandy!) My dad did loving, caring things for me.
My job now? To move forward from this place of realization, of pain, of anger released and make better choices for a healthier lifestyle. This is a major breakthrough, People. I’m optimistic about the future. God be praised!
Meet you at the Kingdom!
BTW: Wow, you guys! I met an actual hero today. Aziz Abu Sarah is an incredible voice for peace. My head is seriously swimming in all I heard this morning. I want to live a better life dedicated to peace. Stay tuned for more, and if you live in the area, get over to St. James Lutheran Church in Lake Forest for 3:00 pm to hear him speak. Absolutely life-changing.
6 thoughts on “Self Discovery”
Your words are powerful, honest, and for “good”. Love you.
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Thank you, Jean. It is such a healthy journey of discovery that I am on. Difficult but necessary. Love you, my friend.
Thank you Donna for opening your heart. Your Dad taught me a lot and I have fond memories of our visits in IL/MI.
I always wondered why my father never said he loved me. Now I look
at it as how are Dad’s were brought up and Heikki being Finnish. I
believe their generation wasn’t taught much on expressing their feelings.
The past 23 yrs. I’ve worked in the fitness field. I presently have a personal training business and act as an Active Aging Specialist
in many community care facilities. Please keep me in your prayers as
on 4/2 lil’ Palmer gal will do her first 90 min. lecture for UNC’s PT Dept.
on exercise prescription.
If you ever have questions on health I’m always on your side with Mickey.
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Good point, Nancy! When I would force the issue, hug my dad and say, “I love you, Dad.” He would say, “Yup” or “unh huh”. But he always smiled sheepishly afterwards. I will hold you up in prayer, dear friend. God bless and thank you for the support.
This was very inspiring! I am very very proud of you, my dear cousin!
Thank you, Lyn! You are the sweetest, most encouraging person. Love you, Cousin!